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[26 Oct 2005|04:35pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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putting the damage on |
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Sometimes even the simple things can be too much to want.
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[21 Oct 2005|11:55am] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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Madonna-Skin |
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Yesterday was pretty decent as far as yesterdays go.
except for the post it moment.
Getting ready to get things in gear for the house. It's almost move in time.
Met up with shelly a bit last night for starbucks. *missed the shelly much*
Got what was almost feesibly the best nights sleep i've had in weeks, though im not
sure if it was because of being in a real bed, or just plain old exhaustion.
Ended up dog sitting essentially for two rather large great danes.
PS great danes, not so great for a five foot nothing guy to put on leashes.
Think im going to try to do fright fest. always wanted to, never have.
and i love halloween, so what better thing to do?
besides, it will keep me busy.
If I dont keep my mind busy I end up going to the rather scary places.
If i have too much time to think, i end up hurting again.
I end up with doubts and second thoughts about every decision i'm making
or have made.
I end up hearing songs in my head and zoning out to places that could have
would have, or should have been.
I feel that dull ache in my heart again.
I wonder if i was less selfish. If i wasn't so stubborn. so insane.
could things have been what i had dreamed they would have.
Or was it simply something that was never meant to be?
And now it never can.
But what is to be expected when you take someone with a proper up bringing, firm morals and values
and a slightly condecending belief system and general way of life, and throw them together with someone
whos free spirited, drinking barhopping white trash?
The peronalities were far too different.
I don't fit in to his world, I wanted different things. I wanted a home, and a marriage. children at some point.
He's very career oriented, and really good things were happening for him.
I accpet that. And i'm happy for him. I just want him to be happy.
even if it impedes on my own.
Sometimes things happen, I'm a firm believer in fate, I think all things happen for a reason
We just arent entitled to the particular reason.
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| current mood |
[20 Oct 2005|06:55pm] |
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mood |
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....sad. |
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music |
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kelly clarkson:Because of you |
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*is sad*
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[14 Oct 2005|06:48am] |
It's dawned on me of late, that sometimes we just have to accept what we are given.
The heart may want what it wants, but that dosent mean its the right thing.
Life works in its own ways.
What can I say, I have a job, a house.
Things are falling into place, I have my friends around me.
people i care about.
A year may have passed, but people havent changed.
Things seem to only be getting better.
I actually feel happy.
I'm grateful right now for shelly, and liz and craig, for tina and genepatrick.
So what if i'm not where i thought i would be.
I'm where i'm supposed to be.
Home. With good friends.
Each day I hurt a little less.
It's a process.
let's just see what the end result is.
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| I begin again... |
[04 Oct 2005|12:20pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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Tori Amos- Wednesday |
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So where do we start.
Moved to bellingham.
stuck it out for a year.
back in NY.
contemplating chicago.
contemplating art colleges.
landed an interview for work.
landed an interview for school
(in NYC)
working on the follow through.
Trying to get back to being rob.
Trying to not cry too much.
Re establishing bonds with Erin.
Figure today would be a pretty decent day to go see mom.
I think i've finally shaken the three hour time difference.
Liz had me a quasi welcome home dinner party.
There was much chocolate. blue berries, strawberries, sugar cookies. and chinese food.
thank god for long island and decent chinese food at last.
maybe things have worked out for the best.
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[21 Apr 2005|08:31pm] |
ok. I suck. Ive been pretty damned lousy at updating, besides, id been using my other journal.
but still, im attached to this one.
I'm in a funk, per usual.
I've been in bellingham for near seven months now, and i like the town
I just havent gotten too social.
I'm annoyed because i feel like all i ever do is work and sleep, and i have no time to just hang out somewhere
I want to be at the black drop right now with some friends having coffee and BSing, or at someones house playing video games,
and im not, Im stuck home in the same four walls with nothing to do.
it just gets depressing after a while.
the sad part is, it is really nice here, and i like the people , and I do love my apartment, I just wish i could see less of it.
I just want to be out somewhere right now, anywhere that isnt here. :(
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[13 Dec 2004|12:06pm] |
so yah, birthday passed, I am now 26 *rejoices*
still adjusting to washington, but its going pretty well.
yup..good times to be had.
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[02 Nov 2004|12:45pm] |
I have to work today.
four glorious hours of circuit city hell.
what is the point of a four hour shift :l
so pointless.
but at least it allots metime to vote.
*yawns*
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| No Room @ the Holiday inn....And its beginning to snow. |
[01 Nov 2004|04:36pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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Rent-Xmas Bells |
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So yeah.
I'm on break at work WOO.
The mind is pretty racey and the body is rather numb.
Doing a lot of second guessing, getting introverted again.
I hate living far from my friends, as not close as i was with most of them
at least people were around to do things.
Its hard starting from scratch , and im rather inept at socializing.
I talked to my father for the first time since i moved today, and it was civil,
he asked if i was ok, and how things with the boyfriend were going, he's waiting for me to come home
and i doubt that will happen.
I dont want to go home, but i dont know if i want to stay here.
I guess I imagined everything rather different, like it would be a clean slate, and id be here and make new friends, and start from scratch with a whole new life, domestic bliss with the boyfriend, and a great job, which turns out to be a mediocre job, So im gonna scour town for somthing more substatial.
I called both my aunts, who are at least remotley supportive of my decision to be here, and they were proud of me, they think its a good thing for me, an made me swear to call them , even if i call collect, i have to call them once a week.
It's weird. I havnet even been close with them for nearly five years, and I dreaded the holidays and being forced to attend their snobbish gatherings, but at this point now, i find myself almost meloncholy that i wont be there to see them, that thanksgiving and christmas will come and go, and most likely I'll have spend it holed up in my apt grilling garden burgers an working.
I doubt ill even hang lights or get a tree.
and my birthday, forget that, im ignoring that its even passing.
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| this cant be good:/ |
[31 Oct 2004|01:27pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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Tori Amos: pretty good year |
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the beekeeper?
And what shall we call the tour?
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[27 Oct 2004|01:06pm] |
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mood |
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numb |
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music |
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Seether F: Amy Lee : BROKEN |
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I have yet again another really bad feeling.
I guess you could say i'm rather intuitive.
Its some weird radar thing.
I know somethings up
and it's about to go down.
I've felt rather numb lately.
It's rather strange, ive been quite content with leaving ny behind. but even
now,
here, starting over.
I still feel torn.
Like something just dosent fit right.
When i arrived here, it was pretty nice , but now the nights are getting a bit brisk.
The mountains are gorgeous. I have to take pictures for the folks in NY. and i must locate a copy of Holly Mcnarland, "home is where"
BAH
*loves*
*proceeds to mope before work at five*
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[15 Oct 2004|08:54pm] |
So.
For Once I did it.
I'm finally on my own.
I moved from New York, As far away as I possibly could.
And while leaving my friends behind was near impossible.
Being here ON MY OWN isbetter than I could have ever Imagined.
It's Incredible.
It's Such a Beautiful city.
Almost perfect.
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[10 Oct 2004|08:11pm] |
I UNEARTHED MY JANE JENSEN CD XD
*dances slutty around a pole to "more than i can"*
*SIGH* whatever happened to my girls? Where has the Jack off Jill gone, and The Poe and Jane Jensen.
Where are my bad ass chicks who dont give a fuck that have apparently been replaced with the carbon copy simpson sisters and britney and christina have annhilated with sugar and crap and all things bad :/
This is greatly upsetting.
*stages a coup*
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| It was so much easier before you became you... |
[10 Oct 2004|06:15pm] |
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mood |
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 artistic |
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music |
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Sheryl Crow- Anything But Down. |
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I almost forgot how much I enjoyed Sheryl Crows "Globe Sessions".
*Proceeds to attempt sketching more*
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[30 Sep 2004|11:08pm] |
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music |
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HIM-Wicked Game |
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My job is officially full time now.
WITH benefits.
GO ME
*does the happy dance in skivvies*
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[28 Sep 2004|08:15pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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music |
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Siouxsie- Kiss them For Me |
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Joe: Are you always here?
me: I give that illusion don't i?
Fifty three ish hours(apx) for two weeks so far due to two sick days.
10 hours to go tomorrow, If they dont kick me out after my scheduled eight.
I've devised that i will arrive a half hour early, and stay a 45 mins late, and skim 15 minutes off my break.
ayup.
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[27 Sep 2004|08:18pm] |
so.
work.
Going very well.
mass OT again this week.
Exhausting.
Put in for my Transfer.
It may have me leave earlier. Like october.
which is complications on its own.
But ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
ayup.
*nods*
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